This has been my biggest struggle for the last 5 years. People tell me all the time that I am still a mother, but it’s hard to feel like one when you don’t do the day to day of motherhood.
Let me back up.
My daughter Mackenzie was born on September 25 2012. I did not plan to have children, but by a miracle she was brought into my life. I fell in love with her immediately. I never knew what love was until I layed eyes on my beautiful baby. I swore I would be the best mom that I could be to her. I took care of her, worked, went back to school and everything. I had never been so proud. Until things came crashing down.
My mother passed away when I was 30 years old. In my mind, I didn’t have time to be sad. I had a child to take care of. I felt like I was under a microscope, so I buried my feelings down. Until I could no longer hide my pain. I couldn’t eat, or sleep. I felt like I was on autopilot. I was no longer the best mom that I could be. I knew that she deserved better. So when her dad asked me to sign over primary custody, I didn’t fight. I knew I was no longer good for her. She had a father and step mom who loved her and could take better care of her than I could. I couldn’t even take care of myself.
Fast forward to 2018.
This is when I found out I was pregnant again. No, I did not plan it. But by another miracle I was to have another baby. I was scared and uncertain. But I knew that it was meant to be.
My son Samuel was born Febuary 11, 2019. I again fell in love instantly. The biggest joy spread throughout my whole body. Unfortunately, that feeling was very short lived. Its a miracle he lived. The course of his short 20 month life was both wonderful and stressful. I was so in love with my boy. He taught me so much. He showed me strength inside myself that I didn’t know I possessed. Until the day came that there was two choices I could make. I looked at my tired boy in his hospital bed and knew I could put him through no more. No more needles, no more surgeries, no more medicine, no more doctors. I took Samuel home to die. That was the most tortureous 9 days of my life.
Which brings us to now. I am surrounded by pictures of my children. I love and miss both of my children every single day. I don’t really think that void will ever go away. So, here I am, spilling my feelings that I can’t seem to contain anymore.
At the end of the day, whether I feel like it or not…I am still a mom.
Still A Mom 