Author Archives: scobb86

Good morning. Or I should say Morning. I am actually sitting at work on my day off because I couldn’t sit at home by myself any longer.

I haven’t been sleeping good for the past couple weeks. I haven’t seen my girl in a couple weeks. I haven’t had my son for months. It’s so lonely at times I feel like I could scream.

So today, I want to talk about memories. Sometimes as a mom, memories are all you have. Things change so quickly.

I have some of the best memories with my daughter. I am lucky that I still get to make memories with her. She is so funny and kind. She has been since the day she was born. I have so many pictures and videos of her growing up. I am so grateful to have them. She was such a momma’s girl. I like to think she still is somewhat even though she has another mom.

My memories of my son are mixed. I loved every second I had with my boy, but we spent the majority of our time at the hospital or at doctors or being home with daily seizures and pain. My son had 2 good months out of the whole 20 months he was alive. That is what I try to concentrate on when I think about him. I think of all our snuggle time. I think about him and my best friends son together. Unfortunately, I don’t get to make any more memories with my boy and that makes me so sad sometimes.

Everything happens so fast in motherhood. We take so much for granted. I learned to not take any moment for granted when Samuel was alive. It has helped me see my relationship with Mackenzie so much differently.

Sometimes I don’t know where I would be if I didn’t have her. I thought I had lost her forever. I thought I wasn’t good enough for her. I saw another wonderful woman becoming what I wanted to keep so badly.

My future plans are to keep making memories with my girl and keep working towards my goals. I want to show her that no matter how far you stumble in life you can always rise back up. That is what I am doing. I am rising from a long hard fall. I am so grateful to have a second chance.

Some days are harder than others. Some days its worse.

For the last couple weeks I have been struggling with the grief. Grief over Samuel. Grief over Mackenzie. I miss them. I miss them with every fiber of my being. I want to hold them, smell them, just be in their presence.

Some days I can’t breathe. Some days I can’t stop crying.

My children are the loves of my life. I am in love with them. Thats the only way I know how to describe it. A mother’s love is the most unbelievable love.

All I know is, today is a better day. My chest doesn’t feel like there is a cement block on it and I can breathe a little easier. I still feel like crying but if I shed a few tears today I won’t have any shame. Its off to work in an hour and that will help me get through my day.

This has been my biggest struggle for the last 5 years. People tell me all the time that I am still a mother, but it’s hard to feel like one when you don’t do the day to day of motherhood.

Let me back up.

My daughter Mackenzie was born on September 25 2012. I did not plan to have children, but by a miracle she was brought into my life. I fell in love with her immediately. I never knew what love was until I layed eyes on my beautiful baby. I swore I would be the best mom that I could be to her. I took care of her, worked, went back to school and everything. I had never been so proud. Until things came crashing down.

My mother passed away when I was 30 years old. In my mind, I didn’t have time to be sad. I had a child to take care of. I felt like I was under a microscope, so I buried my feelings down. Until I could no longer hide my pain. I couldn’t eat, or sleep. I felt like I was on autopilot. I was no longer the best mom that I could be. I knew that she deserved better. So when her dad asked me to sign over primary custody, I didn’t fight. I knew I was no longer good for her. She had a father and step mom who loved her and could take better care of her than I could. I couldn’t even take care of myself.

Fast forward to 2018.

This is when I found out I was pregnant again. No, I did not plan it. But by another miracle I was to have another baby. I was scared and uncertain. But I knew that it was meant to be.

My son Samuel was born Febuary 11, 2019. I again fell in love instantly. The biggest joy spread throughout my whole body. Unfortunately, that feeling was very short lived. Its a miracle he lived. The course of his short 20 month life was both wonderful and stressful. I was so in love with my boy. He taught me so much. He showed me strength inside myself that I didn’t know I possessed. Until the day came that there was two choices I could make. I looked at my tired boy in his hospital bed and knew I could put him through no more. No more needles, no more surgeries, no more medicine, no more doctors. I took Samuel home to die. That was the most tortureous 9 days of my life.

Which brings us to now. I am surrounded by pictures of my children. I love and miss both of my children every single day. I don’t really think that void will ever go away. So, here I am, spilling my feelings that I can’t seem to contain anymore.

At the end of the day, whether I feel like it or not…I am still a mom.